Adventures on Viagra

So last Saturday GM &band has a gig in Shoreditch. I had an invite. “only if I’m on the guestlist,” I half joked. “Of course,” he said. I get there, there’s some sort of 30th birthday going on. Hmmm. Wrong bar. He told me the wrong pub. Prat. I get to the right pub. No guestlist. Prat. I’m on the brink of saying “fuck this I’m going home” when he turns up, makes me ay an entire five pounds to get and then fucks off again. Dick. A random boy at the bar buys me a drink. Hmm small consolation. The rest of the night is spent with GM’s ex Mental Michelle as I know noone else. The band go home without saying goodbye to me. The next day I get a text saying “come to Leicester for a party…” no thank you. You missed the boat.

So GM is written off the list. It’ all about Daniel-hopefully-not-a-spaniel now. No news on that front.

In a fit of a desperation about my fat thighs I join up to a 80s aerobics class. This is exactly like being the fat awkward one at ballet aged 6 all over again. Everyone else knows instinctively what to do. I’m permanently going the wrong way, can’t move legs and arms at the same time and I’m very aware I’m the only one who doesn’t own trainers or a tracksuit. I’m wearing leggings and an awful t-shirt. Hmmm.

Exercise, I have often said, is bad for your health. Proof comes the next day when I’m full of a very snotty and bloody annoying cold. That evening I go to see Friendly Fires with Pippa. We’re on the front row. I get through a million tissues. The band are okay. I’m uninspired. Hmmm must be the cold. I get home all I want is my bed, porridge and a hot water bottle. Instead I get a text out of the blue. Its Posh Josh! Ha! Oh!

PJ: hey, how it going? You up to much?? Xx
Me: well helloes I just got home from friendly fires gig. You? Hows things?
PJ: ah cool how was it? Im just on my way home from Lincoln, we thought it would be funny to take some Viagra in the van on our way home… wasn’t really that funny. Xx
Me: dear lord! You’ll all be bumming each other before you meet Milton Keynes!
PJ: Ha, it wasn’t proper stuff. Everyone just feels sick lol, always fun wasting money on fake Viagra
Me: ha ha! Well I’m whacked out on painkillers. Probably not as much fun. Hmmm. Enjoy your night.
PJ: ah the classic painkillers ey. You too give me a text if you get bored, I shall be up for some time… the joys of driving to stupid places. Xx
Me: I might be up for a while, I’m rocking the Hendrix. When’s the next London gig? I’m not entirely convinced you know who you’re texting x
PJ: lol of course I no… good time in Brixton :) um I’m not entirely sure tbh. Where bouts in London do you live? Xx
Me: Holloway in north London. It’s a fun place to be x
PJ: Is that near royal Holloway uni by any chance.. probs a stupid question. X
Me: yeah it is and the met uni is on m street why? Fishing for an invite?!
PJ: ah coz I’ve been up there a couple of times to see a mate at uni. I wasn’t fishing lol, are u handing me an invite then. X
Me: oh noes! I really wouldn’t know what to do with three boys on Viagra… really… I wouldn’t…
PJ: lol no its cool we’re on our way to mates house anyway. Lol whats your preference on the number of guys on fake Viagra then x
Me: Its all about quality not quantity x
PJ: is that one then. X
Me: I’m sure a lady never tells. Anyways I’m off to bed … I think I took too much aspirin :s night x
PJ: ok tell me one day. Night night xx