Fear of Falling

“I just like you too much”. That’s probably the worst reason I’ve ever been given when a boy has broken up with me. What does it even mean? Surely the point is to like someone, yeah?Its right up there with “you’re just too cool for me” pffff. Yeah. I am so intimidatingly brilliant. Its obviously so cool to knit, bake and stroke cats. My 70 year old neighbour is just way rocking. Hmph.
Well, now I know exactly what “I like you too much” means. I like you way more than you like me. I like you so much it hurts a little bit. Every time I see you I have to catch my breath. I think about you all the time. I replay all the thing we’ve done together, and imagine all the things we might do in the future. I have imaginary conversations with you. I had a dream about you. It was a slightly weird dream where you came to my knitting circle (just me, you and a friend staying in my house) and you knit me a pink crochet bikini but then refused to hand it over. Instead you wanted to give it to the topless models doing the phot shoot up the road. When I woke up I felt betrayed. I like you so much I never know what to say. I re-read your text messages hundreds of times. I can think of five or six ways to interpret each one and then I can’t decide what was intended. I text you and wait patiently for an hour. I wait a bit longer telling myself you’re busy. I wait longer, cos I know you’re busy. Two hours in I wonder if you got the message. Two and half hours in I think maybe I did something wrong, re-read what I wrote and think about clarifying it. Three hours later, having not sent a second message, I am covninced you don’t want to see me again and are pondering how to say so. Three and half hours late I get a message that starts “I’m sorry.” That’s it. You don’t want me anymore. I read on. “I’m sorry, I can’t make Tuesday” Oh! Phew. I like you so much I have these panic attacks every day. I like you so much I can’t quite cope. I know you don’t feel like this. I know you probably never will. Is it worth me waiting to see? I decide the only thing I can do is tell you.
“I really like being with you. I want to keep seeing you. But I don’t know what you want because you never say anything.”
“don’t you think it’s a bit early for all this?”
“erm yes. But this is what I feel. I just want to know what you think. I want you to be honest, you don’t’ have to pretend anything”
“when have I not been honest?”
“erm well how can I ever now? But that’s not it. I just wondered if you liked me at all”
“yeah I like you. I did. I’m not sure anymore. This is a bit weird. Its way too much pressure”
“right. I’m not asking you for anything”
“…”
There you go. I like you just too much. And now you don’t like me at all.